Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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