just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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