you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
