We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
