we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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