it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
