What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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