I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
