Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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