I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
