So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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