I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
3 2 1 whiskey
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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