On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
