Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
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