All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
