Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
