At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize