Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
