she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
