Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
