I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
