paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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