Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
