Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
