I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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