A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
