I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
