I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
