Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
