Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
