The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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