Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
