he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
