My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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