Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
