I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
