Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
