ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
