And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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