The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
