Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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