Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
