Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
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You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
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Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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