i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
