YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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