those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
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i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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