i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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