I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
