Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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