wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
