My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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