my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize