he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
