have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
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I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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