God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
