i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I didn't notice because vodka
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
