How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize