When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
