why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
