You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
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to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
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Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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