Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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