Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
