dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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