shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
