it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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