We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
